As life's challenges continue to overtake me, I have realized that I'm very slow in trusting God right now. It's gotten to a point where as much as I know He loves me, that He has great plans for me, that He knows and has plans for Kevin and I, that He truly will direct my path as long as I trust, I seem to hesitate.
In light of wedding and engagement season, I'm not expecting anything to change between Kevin and I. I'm not expecting that he propose because I know that we're not there yet and that we have plenty that we still need to get through before we are truly deemed ready for that next point in our lives. It's not that we don't want that next step but rather that we're making preparations towards our futures and it's not applicable for us to take that next step at this very moment. We will get to that point when God deems it right. It's been a rough week and a half between preparing for an upcoming wedding to talking about marriage and engagements and I know that when the going gets tough, even between the both of us, that there's beauty and growth within our struggles because it does draw us closer to each other and to a clearer understanding of who we are as individuals and how we will hopefully be able to mesh together as one...
Psalm 37:4 - 5 says: "Delight yourselves in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and He will do this..."
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Relationships, Engagements and Weddings... oy.
Soooo, I think I'm finally in this season now... the one I have always dreaded my entire life.... the one where I get asked day-in and day-out when my wedding is going to be... or when I'm going to date, when I'm going to have kids... etc.
Well, the dating part I had covered about a year and a half ago but of course, the more Kevin comes over for family functions and dinners, I anticipate the questions from my extended family members... And sure enough, this September, I got asked about 10 times during dinner... "When are you getting married? Are you getting married? Is this your fiancé? Are you serious with him? Are you getting engaged soon?" It was a never-ending barrage of questions.
Just a couple weeks ago, someone asked me "Oh, is that your husband?"
The only response I could come up with at the time was "No, not yet... In due time... God's got a time for that." That would have been enough to freak me out but I was pretty calm and collected.
And then.... I started hearing of people's engagements. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm happy for everyone that's gotten engaged but it's kinda overwhelming a bit...
I'm happy for Rich.
I'm THRILLED for Wendy and Jordan, haha. Totally not joking, we need to do a celebratory dinner with the two of them! :) hehehe eeeeee!
It's really exciting and I look forward to the weddings I'm attending this year and also in the next year.
But at the same time, it's terrifying, really, this idea of marriage. I know that I see a future with Kevin. I see marriage, I see kids. But deep down, I know God's going to open that door when it's time. Yes, it's hard to be in the waiting period but there's beauty that grows out of that and I trust that God knows exactly what I'm feeling and how to tackle all of that as the time goes by.
It's amazing how God brought us together. I never saw that coming in a million years. But I trust that God's got a plan for both of us and He'll take care of everything in our relationship as we grow closer to each other and more importantly, grow closer to God. I struggle so much with this idea of marriage because ultimately, I know that I do want that. I want to settle down and raise a family. But at the same time, I know that we're not there yet and we've got a ways to go because we're both pursuing options right now that will help us both prepare for the future. We're taking steps to outline a foundation that will serve as a stable point in each of our lives. We each have our own timeline but I'm comforted by the fact that God has his own and it doesn't always line up with ours.
This entire weekend was surrounded by talks about our relationship, our lives, housing options, engagement and marriage and where that leaves the two of us... And I was reminded that no matter how much we plan, God ultimately will direct us to be where we are and where we need to be should that be in the cards for the two of us....
Life is good. Changes and decisions on the horizon but God'll take care of all of that in due time...
So I'll wait upon You now, with my hands released to You,
Where a little faith's enough to see mountains lift and move,
And I'll wait upon You now, dedicated to Your will,
To this love that will remain, a love that never fails...
God's got me covered... I can trust that He'll take care of me and lead me through to the next stages of my life. :)
Well, the dating part I had covered about a year and a half ago but of course, the more Kevin comes over for family functions and dinners, I anticipate the questions from my extended family members... And sure enough, this September, I got asked about 10 times during dinner... "When are you getting married? Are you getting married? Is this your fiancé? Are you serious with him? Are you getting engaged soon?" It was a never-ending barrage of questions.
Just a couple weeks ago, someone asked me "Oh, is that your husband?"
The only response I could come up with at the time was "No, not yet... In due time... God's got a time for that." That would have been enough to freak me out but I was pretty calm and collected.
And then.... I started hearing of people's engagements. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm happy for everyone that's gotten engaged but it's kinda overwhelming a bit...
I'm happy for Rich.
I'm THRILLED for Wendy and Jordan, haha. Totally not joking, we need to do a celebratory dinner with the two of them! :) hehehe eeeeee!
It's really exciting and I look forward to the weddings I'm attending this year and also in the next year.
But at the same time, it's terrifying, really, this idea of marriage. I know that I see a future with Kevin. I see marriage, I see kids. But deep down, I know God's going to open that door when it's time. Yes, it's hard to be in the waiting period but there's beauty that grows out of that and I trust that God knows exactly what I'm feeling and how to tackle all of that as the time goes by.
It's amazing how God brought us together. I never saw that coming in a million years. But I trust that God's got a plan for both of us and He'll take care of everything in our relationship as we grow closer to each other and more importantly, grow closer to God. I struggle so much with this idea of marriage because ultimately, I know that I do want that. I want to settle down and raise a family. But at the same time, I know that we're not there yet and we've got a ways to go because we're both pursuing options right now that will help us both prepare for the future. We're taking steps to outline a foundation that will serve as a stable point in each of our lives. We each have our own timeline but I'm comforted by the fact that God has his own and it doesn't always line up with ours.
This entire weekend was surrounded by talks about our relationship, our lives, housing options, engagement and marriage and where that leaves the two of us... And I was reminded that no matter how much we plan, God ultimately will direct us to be where we are and where we need to be should that be in the cards for the two of us....
Life is good. Changes and decisions on the horizon but God'll take care of all of that in due time...
So I'll wait upon You now, with my hands released to You,
Where a little faith's enough to see mountains lift and move,
And I'll wait upon You now, dedicated to Your will,
To this love that will remain, a love that never fails...
God's got me covered... I can trust that He'll take care of me and lead me through to the next stages of my life. :)
Monday, November 2, 2009
Can't Fight This Feeling... :)
Feels kind of representative of what I'm feeling... haha :)
Verse 1:
I can't fight this feeling any longer,
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow,
What started out as friendship has grown stronger,
I only wish I had the strength to let it show.
Pre-Chorus:
And even as I wonder, I'm keeping you in sight,
You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night,
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might...
Verse 2:
My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you,
I've been running round in circles in my mind,
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl,
'Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find...
It's just interesting how life turns out... haha Kevin told me I was an awesome girlfriend today and it was funny because the lyrics of the song popped out as I heard the song... It's been an amazing 1.5 years. I'm still kind of in awe of the last year and a half. Sure, we've had our tiffs and arguments over stupid, silly things but we learn from them... We're going through everything together and we are closer because of it... We are heading places that we never really saw as options... :)
The part in bold reminded me of how freaked out we were (maybe more me than him?) when we first started discussing even the notion of being in a relationship with each other... how I came to realize that we had spoken a lot in the year before we dated and that we shared a lot of ourselves with each other before he even took the lead to define the relationship... how our friendship really did strengthen itself in the year before we started dating even though we hadn't spoken very much in the years prior... how we just kind of picked up where we left off as friends and just let God take the lead...haha it's as if we're in a dance with God and seeing exactly where the end of the dance is... I'm no longer afraid of facing paths together because that's what God has done with each of us...
Funny how Rich's engagement makes me think of these things...and what you now realize is so unbelievably more important than dwelling on his engagement... :) Still can't believe he's engaged but overall, I'm glad because I have my sisters, I have Kevin, I have my family, I have God... and all of them are actually in the country! :D That's the best gift of all...
It's my life... and that's my reality.
With that said, I am deliriously in love with my boyfriend and his silly antics. He always has the ability to make me laugh even when I'm mad...
::shakes head but smiles::
Verse 1:
I can't fight this feeling any longer,
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow,
What started out as friendship has grown stronger,
I only wish I had the strength to let it show.
Pre-Chorus:
And even as I wonder, I'm keeping you in sight,
You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night,
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might...
Verse 2:
My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you,
I've been running round in circles in my mind,
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl,
'Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find...
It's just interesting how life turns out... haha Kevin told me I was an awesome girlfriend today and it was funny because the lyrics of the song popped out as I heard the song... It's been an amazing 1.5 years. I'm still kind of in awe of the last year and a half. Sure, we've had our tiffs and arguments over stupid, silly things but we learn from them... We're going through everything together and we are closer because of it... We are heading places that we never really saw as options... :)
The part in bold reminded me of how freaked out we were (maybe more me than him?) when we first started discussing even the notion of being in a relationship with each other... how I came to realize that we had spoken a lot in the year before we dated and that we shared a lot of ourselves with each other before he even took the lead to define the relationship... how our friendship really did strengthen itself in the year before we started dating even though we hadn't spoken very much in the years prior... how we just kind of picked up where we left off as friends and just let God take the lead...haha it's as if we're in a dance with God and seeing exactly where the end of the dance is... I'm no longer afraid of facing paths together because that's what God has done with each of us...
Funny how Rich's engagement makes me think of these things...and what you now realize is so unbelievably more important than dwelling on his engagement... :) Still can't believe he's engaged but overall, I'm glad because I have my sisters, I have Kevin, I have my family, I have God... and all of them are actually in the country! :D That's the best gift of all...
It's my life... and that's my reality.
With that said, I am deliriously in love with my boyfriend and his silly antics. He always has the ability to make me laugh even when I'm mad...
::shakes head but smiles::
Sunday, November 1, 2009
...Residual Feelings? Hmm...
So it's finally happened. And as much as I say that I'm okay, I guess I'm not truly there. I knew it was coming but I suppose it is still somewhat residual... The pain's still there at how it all ended but I know that it was not my place to try and force any relationship with him...
It's weird... I was so not trusting when God wanted to take this relationship away and I refused for a good month and a half before I finally gave up and didn't want to fight with God about it... God would not just let it go... And yet, all God needed was my following steps of faith to return some semblance of a relationship with him, albeit strange as he was one of my closest friends... BUT as I took those steps of faith I realized: I needed my sisters more than him, I needed to find my own worth in HIM and no one else, I was indeed a hot commodity (Rachel's words, not mine...) and that God cares for me so unbelievably much that HE would place it on two boys' hearts to pursue me, one of whom is now my boyfriend...
I find it odd that he was offended when he found out I started dating although I was never told that he was dating and found out through other people... I find it odd that I'm no longer the one initiating the conversation and that he is... I find it odd that despite knowing this was going to be the outcome, I didn't overanalyze or prepare myself better. I'm not the mess I was before and I'm very much in control of my feelings towards this now but I can honestly say that despite my feelings being somewhat residual, I am truly happy for him because he's found someone that can fit his mold. I must admit that as much as I wanted to be the person to fit his mold, I am the square peg that cannot fit into the round hole... I was the person that has to wait and learn these lessons on my own with my sisters. But while you would think that I would use this time to tell you that I regret this experience, I don't. It taught me so much about myself and how God was preparing me for my current relationship, one that has surpassed all of my own expectations. :) I'm GLAD it's not me...
I could not picture myself (and still can't picture it) in a future with him... And if I did still see it, I could hear Rachel and Grace screaming at me, voicing their still apparent disapproval... hehe...
And yet, within months of dating my boyfriend, I could see a future, one that involved marriage with children (please, no Al Bundy)... Seeing this future and knowing that two of my many girlfriends have stamped their approval, I know that it's real and that my boyfriend really is the one that I see myself with long term...
It's weird... I was so not trusting when God wanted to take this relationship away and I refused for a good month and a half before I finally gave up and didn't want to fight with God about it... God would not just let it go... And yet, all God needed was my following steps of faith to return some semblance of a relationship with him, albeit strange as he was one of my closest friends... BUT as I took those steps of faith I realized: I needed my sisters more than him, I needed to find my own worth in HIM and no one else, I was indeed a hot commodity (Rachel's words, not mine...) and that God cares for me so unbelievably much that HE would place it on two boys' hearts to pursue me, one of whom is now my boyfriend...
I find it odd that he was offended when he found out I started dating although I was never told that he was dating and found out through other people... I find it odd that I'm no longer the one initiating the conversation and that he is... I find it odd that despite knowing this was going to be the outcome, I didn't overanalyze or prepare myself better. I'm not the mess I was before and I'm very much in control of my feelings towards this now but I can honestly say that despite my feelings being somewhat residual, I am truly happy for him because he's found someone that can fit his mold. I must admit that as much as I wanted to be the person to fit his mold, I am the square peg that cannot fit into the round hole... I was the person that has to wait and learn these lessons on my own with my sisters. But while you would think that I would use this time to tell you that I regret this experience, I don't. It taught me so much about myself and how God was preparing me for my current relationship, one that has surpassed all of my own expectations. :) I'm GLAD it's not me...
I could not picture myself (and still can't picture it) in a future with him... And if I did still see it, I could hear Rachel and Grace screaming at me, voicing their still apparent disapproval... hehe...
And yet, within months of dating my boyfriend, I could see a future, one that involved marriage with children (please, no Al Bundy)... Seeing this future and knowing that two of my many girlfriends have stamped their approval, I know that it's real and that my boyfriend really is the one that I see myself with long term...
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