...Residual Feelings? Hmm...

So it's finally happened. And as much as I say that I'm okay, I guess I'm not truly there. I knew it was coming but I suppose it is still somewhat residual... The pain's still there at how it all ended but I know that it was not my place to try and force any relationship with him...

It's weird... I was so not trusting when God wanted to take this relationship away and I refused for a good month and a half before I finally gave up and didn't want to fight with God about it... God would not just let it go... And yet, all God needed was my following steps of faith to return some semblance of a relationship with him, albeit strange as he was one of my closest friends... BUT as I took those steps of faith I realized: I needed my sisters more than him, I needed to find my own worth in HIM and no one else, I was indeed a hot commodity (Rachel's words, not mine...) and that God cares for me so unbelievably much that HE would place it on two boys' hearts to pursue me, one of whom is now my boyfriend...

I find it odd that he was offended when he found out I started dating although I was never told that he was dating and found out through other people... I find it odd that I'm no longer the one initiating the conversation and that he is... I find it odd that despite knowing this was going to be the outcome, I didn't overanalyze or prepare myself better. I'm not the mess I was before and I'm very much in control of my feelings towards this now but I can honestly say that despite my feelings being somewhat residual, I am truly happy for him because he's found someone that can fit his mold. I must admit that as much as I wanted to be the person to fit his mold, I am the square peg that cannot fit into the round hole... I was the person that has to wait and learn these lessons on my own with my sisters. But while you would think that I would use this time to tell you that I regret this experience, I don't. It taught me so much about myself and how God was preparing me for my current relationship, one that has surpassed all of my own expectations. :) I'm GLAD it's not me...

I could not picture myself (and still can't picture it) in a future with him... And if I did still see it, I could hear Rachel and Grace screaming at me, voicing their still apparent disapproval... hehe...

And yet, within months of dating my boyfriend, I could see a future, one that involved marriage with children (please, no Al Bundy)... Seeing this future and knowing that two of my many girlfriends have stamped their approval, I know that it's real and that my boyfriend really is the one that I see myself with long term...